The Mind Of A Maniac
Sunday, January 11, 2004
 
You know, my mind is an odd thing. I want to make the move, but I don't know how. I'm unsure how to go about it. Though my main problem is that I stop myself most often because I don't know how the person feels. Or, on the other hand, the person doesn't know how I feel. And it gets to me when I talk to this person every night, go to this person for advice, and yet can't tell them. I just can't bring myself to do it. There are few people I can trust for advice, and she is one. This is going to sound bad, but I hope she knows who she is. As in I hope she knows that I'm talking about her. I mentioned her two posts ago. I just wish I knew how she felt. Because I think she knows how I feel. We'll see what happens... maybe I'll get lucky one of these days and she'll tell me... or I'll be able to tell her. But as I said before, I've let this kind of thing slip past me.
Friday, January 02, 2004
 
Why do I do this to myself?
Why is this happening to me?
Why does everyone else seem happy?
Why can't I be happy?
Why can't I make anything happen?
Why does it seem no one cares even though they do?
Why does no one know how I really feel?
Why can't I express myself?
When will it be my time?
When is something good going to happen?

My head is filled with questions. The answers can only be found inside of me.
Friday, December 26, 2003
 
"You can never reach success until you try."
My good friend Erin told me that tonight. And she's right, you can't. But it's hard for me to try when it comes to stuff like this. For the past few days I've been feeling kind of down again. It's all the usual stuff, like loneliness, so I'm used to it. But Erin has been trying to help me out. To get me to take a chance and take the risk to make myself not lonely anymore. But that's hard for me. Because being a pessimest I focus on the consequences. Because here's my dilema; one thing I'm looking for is to have somebody there for me. I'm looking for a relationship basically. But getting one is where I have trouble. Because if I ask this girl out and she says no, I'm afraid that when we see each other at work or school it will be awkward. I feel like our friendship may be ruined and I do not want that to happen. She's the only person (I think) that I talk to every night and that helps me out with stuff. I couldn't stand losing her. And like Erin said, it'll only be awkward if I make it awkward. But I feel it'll be awkward either way. And so I'm holding myself back from making the move because of my fears and not knowing how she feels. In a perfect world she'd either come right out and tell me or she'd make the first move. But this isn't a perfect world. So I know that will never happen. *sigh* I guess it's up to me then. And that's not good because there's no guareentee I'll do it. I've let these things slip past before, and it hurts.
Saturday, December 20, 2003
 
Well... it's been quite some time since I last wrote in here. Over a month. I'm sorry to all my loyal readers out there, nothing has been happening in my life. My life has turned boring and useless once again. So, if my life is boring, what has compelled me to write in this after over a month of nothing? A thought. A thought I had tonight while at Dan's Christmas party.

I remember back in the day, like early summer vacation. When we would all just hang out at Dan's or something. And I remember me and Dan and Raj always talking about who we liked or even just girls in general. We could all relate to one another because we were all in the same boat. Then eventually Dan started dating Becki, which I thought was great. At least one of us was happy. Then me and Raj became better friends. Thanks to school and volunteer period. I began to see how much alike me and Raj are. We are like the same person. It's scary. We talked a lot about how we both have trouble with girls and stuff like that. So we would complain about our position in life and the days went on. So the other day me and Raj are talking and he mentions that he and a friend of ours are now dating. And I was happy for him. Again, at least one of us is happy. But it got me thinking. If Dan and Raj can find someone, why can't I? What am I doing wrong? I know I do a lot of things wrong, but what am I doing that's so wrong? I'm just feeling disapointed in myself. And I don't know why. I shouldn't be, it's not like I've done anything wrong. Or have I? Now I'm not the most open person in the world. And I know that to be one of my many flaws. I tend to keep most things to myself. I alienate myself from the group. I make myself the loner. But why? Why do I do this to myself? I guess I just feel that people don't care. Even though I know they really do. Just seeing everyone being happy with their girlfriends/boyfriends and friends, I just don't want to be in the way. I don't know, I've just been down these past few days. I need a good day to come. I need something good to happen soon.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
 
Yes... I know it's been awhile since I updated this thing. I really hope people still check it out every once and awhile. It's just that things have settled down a bit, I guess. Nothing has really been happening in my life to warrant the writing of a new post. So the reason I'm writing this you may ask, I had an odd idea Saturday morning.

I woke up at about 9:30 on Saturday morning. I was just lying in bed staring at my ceiling and began thinking about what it would be like if I had died in my sleep. I decided that I wouldn't want to go to Heaven or Hell. I would stay here on Earth as a ghost. I'd do this because then I could look out for my friends, make sure nothing happened to them. Now you wouldn't see me flying around. The thing is that you'd only see me if I wanted you to see me. Or feel me if I wanted you to feel me. Or hear me if I wanted you to hear me. I could do whatever I wanted, I'd never be tired, I'd never get hungry. I would never age or get hurt. So in many ways it seems that being dead would be better then being alive. But to every up there has to be a down. The down side to this would be what my friends and family would go through if I did die. The saddness, the mourning, everything. And then if I did show myself to you as a ghost would you be scared of me? Would you scream from the fear? Or would you treat as if I were still alive? Being dead has it's perks, but so does living. I thought about conversations I'd have with all of you, my friends, after I was dead. I thought of the conversation I'd have with my mom, explaining to her that I'm happy dead. I imagined myself flying down to Milwaukee and visiting my old neighborhood and my old friends. Then I saw myself watching over all of you. Watching you go through all of life's problems and yearning for that once again. To see you being with others and spending time together, wishing I was there. I could warn you of things to come. Of dangers in your path. But I don't know if you'd choose to listen. I saw myself like a guardian angel. But I'm no angel. I'm just a lost soul with nowhere to go.
Friday, October 17, 2003
 
So apparently it's a big deal if I mention someone's name in here. I didn't realize that, but hey, nice to know. Maybe it's because if I mention your name there's a good chance the post is about you. So I had a pretty boring night, well most of it was boring, it got better. I had to work until nine tonight, which wasn't too bad, and then I made my way over to Raj's house. I came in about half way into Matrix Reloaded. We finished watching it and then we were all just kind of sitting around talking and stuff. Eventually most people went to the basement and just me and Raj were sitting there. We started talking about stuff like we do in volunteer period. We came (like always) to the topic of females and how much trouble we have with them. Raj talked about how he want a girl but knows he won't find one out here. And of course me and Raj talked about my whole dilemma with Annie. Which brings me to the good part of the night. I was talking to Annie about how I have to work with Roberts tomorrow and how it's going to be Hell (because I dislike him). Then she said not to worry because she and him broke up tonight. Now don't get me wrong, I was happy to hear that. Because that means that maybe I can try to act on my feelings for Annie, make a move or something. But then I start thinking that there is no hope for me... no chance for someone like me. And I can't help those thoughts. I'm a pessimist. It's my nature to think about the consequences first. That I think inhibits me a lot of times from doing things like this. And what makes this harder is that I don't know how she really feels. So should I make a move? Or should I wait?
Saturday, October 11, 2003
 
Homecoming was tonight. I actually did go this time too. And I will say that I did have fun. I got to loosen up and be myself with all my friends. It was great. We were all just laughing and talking and having a good time. I had a good time because I got to surprise a bunch of people that thought I wasn't going to the dance. Because you see, I put my friends happiness before my own. If I can do something that makes my friends happy, even if in the end I'm miserable, I'll do it. Because I can just hide all the pain I'm truely feeling. I've become good at that. At hiding my true feelings. In my eyes, my friends happiness is more important to me than my own. So if I can do somethign to make them happy, I'll do it. I mean I'm not the kind of person who will be mad if a friend is dating someone I don't like. If he or she makes you happy then good for you. Because if you're happy than I'm happy. My friends come first in my life. So anyways, back to the dance. It really was fun. It was a great time had by all until the last half hour. See, my knee started hurting around then and I was tired so I began sitting down more to rest. That when I noticed how happy and how much fun my friends were having with their dates. Up until this point I had been dancing and having fun with my friends. I wasn't really paying attention to anything. But sitting down made me see everything. I think Raj knows my main reason for being depressed. He seems to have figured it out. My night did end on a high note though. I did get to dance with Annie which was an awesome way to end the night. I supposed to go bowling with some people after the dance too, but didn't. See, me and Joe got into a little accident. My brakes decided not to work all that well and I ended up rear-ending his car. We're both fine so don't worry. His car has some damage while mine has none. So to all those that were expecting me at bowling, I'm sorry, but something like that kind of ruins your night. I'm still beating myself up for it. I feel so bad. I feel it's my fault that this happened. I still blame myself for this. I also still blame myself for ruining my chances with a friend (read the last enrty). So it's been a good night for the most part. I got to make my friends happy even though in the end I got depressed. But I don't care, their happiness makes up for it. In some ways at least. Well I'm depressed now. I have a lot I need to think about. I should be better in a few days. At least... I hope so...

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